Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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