I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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