You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
