I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
