shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Non-Jews are for practice
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
