Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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