dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
