I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
