guys are not supposed to queef...right?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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