The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
