do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
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No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
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Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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