I think I died a long time ago.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
