i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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