I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
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