fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
