So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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