my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
