I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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