the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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