I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
