you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
