it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Dick very happy bro
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
