i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
