I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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