apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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