I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
