that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
