I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
