tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
