I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
