Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
