i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
