My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
