at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
