I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
