Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
