ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
