this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
