So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
