Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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