the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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