I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend