i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups