I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
