whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
