I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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