I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
