bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
