I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
