we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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