yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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