none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
