Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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