I faked an abortion last night.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
