positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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