remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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