If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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